Shadow
by Can'tThinkOfaUsername
Summary: Things from Katie's point of view


_This is from Katie's point of view. By the way, sorry for the lack of swearing. I know its quite a big part of the dialogue in Skins, but I just don't really swear so it won't be in the story._

I've never met a more screwed up group of friends in all my life. Seriously, it's not even normal.

It was all good when we first started Roundview. Me and Emily both came together. And we met Effy. I thought from the start that we'd be good friends. She was Tony Stonem's sister. I'd always kinda liked him and Effy seemed really cool. Pandora came with her. Naomi kinda fitted in there somewhere too, unfortunately. Ugh. I never liked her. And I think it was her dislike for all of us that somehow ended up with her hanging out with us. Weird. Then there was Freddie and Cook and JJ. They all fancied Effy from the very first day. And then there was Thomas. We met him when he moved to England and ended up helping him sell drugs to avoid some gangster. He got deported then came back to be with Pandora. And it all just kicked off from there. A couple of different groups of friends thrown together as one gang at college. Normal enough. We had a good laugh at the start. Effy and Cook knew all the best parties. We always managed to find enough drugs and alcohol to have a good time. We were happy and careless and it was all good. I had Danny then too.

Then everything just got screwed up. Effy's parents split up and she got all depressed and fell out with Pandora. I saw my own sister kissing Naomi Campbell. Naomi Campbell! What was up with that?! Emily wasn't even gay! Cook and Freddie fell out over Effy. JJ was stuck in the middle of his two best friends who were now worst enemies. Even Panda and Thomas seemed a bit weird. When he first came, they practically worshipped each other. Anyway, I still don't really know what's going on there. Oh, and then I found out that Danny had been with nearly all his teammates girlfriends when he was meant to be with me. And if that wasn't bad enough, I found out he'd also been with half his teammates themselves! Yeah. Not a nice thought. Anyway, I surprisingly wasn't too upset about that. I mean, I did hit him a couple of times and threw a few drinks over him too, but he'd got a bit boring so I wasn't that bothered to leave him. I already kinda fancied Freddie anyway. I thought it would be quite a good idea if we were together. It would mean almost the whole gang was paired up. Ok, that was a bit weird, but anyway. There was Pandora and Thomas. Cute. Then Effy and Cook. Effy didn't even like him, but whatever. They're both mental. Then there was Emily and Naomi. They didn't think anyone knew. I hated them as a couple. It was completely wrong! Emily was not gay. She couldn't be! Anyway, they were still kinda a couple (although I planned to change that asap. Emily just hadn't had a boyfriend yet. She was hopefully just drunk and drugged up at the time. I'd let her have Naomi for a few days just to stop her getting depressed until I found her a man. She'd see sense soon enough) so that just left Freddie and me and JJ. I thought me and Freddie might as well get together since Danny was gone and Effy didn't want Freddie. JJ didn't have anyone, but he didn't seem to mind. He seemed to be happy on his own. It gave that genius mind of his more chance to work it's magic. The rest of us were lunatics and the idea of being alone drove us mad. I hadn't actually got with Freddie at this point though.

A few weeks after college started, the atmosphere in Roundview was awkward times ten.

Effy used to be cool and crazy and fun to be around. Now she was just like a depressed zombie. She rarely spoke. She handed herself over to almost any man who wanted her, (except Freddie), she smoked and drank whatever she was given, but that was it. Apart from that she just walked around like an empty shell, staring into space, expressionless and detached from the world, occasionally muttering in reply if anyone asked her something.

As for Freddie and Cook, if looks could kill, they'd both be dead and buried long ago.

JJ, God bless him. He sat fidgeting between his two best friends, desperately trying to be cheery, trying to pretend nothing had ever happened and that Freddie and Cook didn't want to kill each other. He was so nice and honest. It wasn't fair for him to be stuck in the middle of everyone else's mess.

Panda just tagged along after Effy. I think they got on well before. They seemed like good friends. Yeah, they were always a strange pair of best friends, but they kinda needed each other. But Pandora was so childlike and innocent and now that Effy was going off the rails a bit, Panda didn't seem to know what to do or say to her and just followed her around.

I'd kissed Freddie a few times at parties by now, but I still always caught both him and Cook staring after Effy. What was he doing? He was meant to be my boyfriend now! She's only one girl! She doesn't want him! She's screwed up. She broke his heart. Why did he still want her? Could he not just give up? What was so special about her?

Cook had started flirting with Naomi. Even though she wasn't exactly thrilled about this, I was glad when I saw it. I thought it might knock some sense into Emily and make her see that Naomi didn't want her. But oh no. It just had to make the stupid girl want Naomi even more! She was always staring at her when she thought no-one was looking. And she was always stuttering and stammering on her words around her. Whenever Cook was flirting with Naomi, she always looked like she was about to cry. When was she going to realise that she's straight?!

You could have cut the tension between our group with a knife. Easily. We still hung out together but everyone secretely wanted to kill each other.

It all came to blows one day when I saw Emily and Naomi kissing again after college. What did Naomi think she was doing? Why was she messing with my sisters head? She knew Emily couldn't be gay! I wanted scream at her to get her hands off my sister and just leave her alone. I'd dismissed the first kiss as the result of my brownies (which was a pretty damn genius idea if I do say so myself), but this second one, I'd no excuses for. I had to talk to Emily about it.

Emily got on my nerves most of the time. She never did anything! I just wanted to shake her and tell her to live a little. She always turned the boys down. She just needed to loosen up! She was always so shy and reserved. That certainly didn't run in our blood. We're twins. We're meant to be alike, but she refused to be normal! No wonder she ended up kissing stupid Naomi Campbell. She hadn't a clue about the real world. She didn't know what she really wanted so she just convinced herself she was gay and that's why she wasn't like me. She needed to open her eyes and see that we're twins so she can't be gay. She just can't be! She just needed a boyfriend. Why did she have to be so weird and naiive?

I suppose it's needless to say that our little conversation didn't go too well.

She came home that night all innocently, blissfully unaware that I'd seen her snog the face off Naomi.

'I saw what you did today', I said plainly, 'after college. Don't even try denying it'.

But of course, she did deny it. She looked all confused, 'What is it now Katie? I didn't do anything. What are you on about this time?'

I was getting agitated now. 'I'm on about you kissing Naomi Campbell!'

I was waiting for some sort of response. I wanted her to tell me that Naomi was all over her and she tried to stop her but she just wouldn't stop. I wanted her to tell me she was just as disgusted with Naomi as I was. But she just pretended to have developed a very keen interest in the wooden floor as she stood staring at it and mumbled, 'That's none of your business'.

Now I really lost my temper, 'None of my business?! Emily!! You kissed Naomi Campbell! She's disgusting! You are not gay!!'

'You don't even know me!' she said, her voice shaking. 'Maybe I wanted to kiss her! Maybe I am gay! It's got nothing to do with you. Just leave me alone!'

'How can you say that?' I'd screamed at her. 'You're a stupid, naiive child! Don't tell me I don't know you Emily! We're twins! Yeah, you've always been a freak, but I know you're straight! Wise up Emily! And grow up! You're not gay. You're just stupid!'.

She'd started to cry. I'd always felt a bit protective over her, like I was her big sister, not her twin. I hated seeing her get upset. I felt a bit guilty for screaming at her like that, but she had to be told.

'Maybe you need to grow up Katie!' she said through her tears. 'Maybe you need to stop wishing I was your clone! We're twins, yeah. But you don't know me! You just want me to be exactly like you. You're selfish! I don't care what you say. I am gay and you can't stop it. Why can you not just accept it?'

'Because it's not true!!!' I yelled.

'And how would you know that? You're too busy thinking about yourself to even notice me half the time! You just want me there as an accessory to impress whatever boy you decide to throw yourself at! Would you just open your eyes for a change Katie! Stop denying it! You're just trying to convince yourself that things aren't the way they are because you can't accept me for being myself! I'm tired of living in your stupid shadow Katie! I'm tired of letting you walk all over me! And I'm not letting you do it this time. Katie, I'm gay. Just deal with it. You can't always get what you want all the time. Life doesn't work like that.'

Then she just walked away. I've never been so frustrated in all my life. I felt my eyes well up as I slammed the door and left the house. Maybe she was right. But this just screwed everything up! My twin was gay. That wasn't meant to happen! Why could she not just be normal. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have let her have the limelight once in while. Maybe then she'd have found a boyfriend. Maybe then she wouldn't have had to go and turn gay and mess everything up. It was too late now.

I held it all together until I reached Freddie's house.

'Hi', I'd said, as I leaned over to kiss him. He pushed me away. 'I'm sorry Katie. I can't do this anymore'.

'What?' I'd asked him, shocked. 'Is this about Effy? Don't tell me your still lusting after Effy, are you? She doesn't want you Freddie! Is this about her? Is that why you don't want me?' I could feel my voice sounding all shaky and pathetic, but I didn't care.

He never answered. He just looked away, ashamed. 'Look, I'm sorry Katie. I'm sorry'. And that was it. He went back inside and left me standing there like a reject.

I wandered away into the dark, down towards the river. Away from home, away from everyone. Effy Stonem. Why did she have to go and screw everything up? Why did she have to leave Freddie wanting her so badly? Was he ever going to take notice of the boys that staggered out of her house at 2 or 3 in the morning every night? Was he ever going to wake up and see her as the little slut that everyone else saw her as? She was 16 years old! If this was what she was like now, how bad would she be in a couple of years time? I'd never met anyone as messed up as she was. Seriously, what went on in that head of hers? If it wasn't for her, Freddie would be happy with me. Freddie and Cook and JJ would still be best friends. Pandora would be happy. Was she ever going to stop? Why did she have to go and mess everything up for everyone else? Why did I ever think she was so cool? I know hate is a strong word, but at that moment, I was very very close to hating Effy.

I probably looked a complete mess. Walking down the street alone in the middle of the night, crying my eyes out, but I didn't care. Why did everything have to change? I wanted my twin to be normal. I wished I could just get along with her. I wished everyone else would just get along with each other. I wished things just didn't have to be so complicated, so screwed up.

I was in a bit of a daze to be honest, but when I got closer to the river, I could see things a little clearer. I could see the Stonem's house across the road. I could see Cook wander out of the house. I could see Effy wander out into the dark. What was she doing at this time of night? I stopped for a moment. She walked onto the very edge of the pier and stared out at the water blankly. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to scream at her for messing everything up for everyone else, for ruining everything. The Emily and Naomi problem wasn't her fault, but almost everything else was. I was ready to kick her and hit her and swear at her and do anything else I could think of as I made my way towards her. I knew I probably shouldn't have been so angry with her, but I just was.

As I was almost there, she turned around and saw me. She didn't look surprised, despite the fact that it was like 2 in the morning and we were both standing on a pier. She didn't move. I was ready to lash out at her and do everything I'd planned to. But I don't know what came over me then, because I put my arms around her cold, shaking body and hugged her. We didn't speak. She didn't seem to mind that I was crying into her shoulder. She didn't push me away. And for some reason, it calmed me down a bit. I never thought I'd be comforted by the cold, emotionless Effy Stonem. But I was. And there was something about her that night that made me realise I'd probably got her all wrong. She wasn't as careless and cruel as I'd thought. I still didn't understand her, but I knew for sure that she didn't want to be with Cook. She wasn't happy with her life and she was alone. She seemed so vulnerable. I don't know why, but she was shaking. It wasn't cold enough to be shivering. She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was kinda glad to have someone there with her for a change. Poor Effy was probably having just as much trouble trying to deal with things as I was. She seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Everyone always blamed her, including me. I'd got her all wrong. Seeing Effy like that had taught me something that night. Now, I accepted it. Now I accepted that I'd got Emily wrong. She was right. I didn't know her. I wasn't there for her. She was my twin, not my clone, and if she was gay, that was alright. I'd have to deal with it. She'd put up with me for long enough. Now it was my turn to put myself in her shoes.

We definitely are a pretty screwed up group of friends. But thats ok. What's the point in striving for normality? I've learnt that normality doesn't really exist. We've got to make the most of what we've got. And I've only got one sister. I can't spend my life making her life miserable. I've got to let her be herself. I can't let her live in my shadow forever. Because I do love her. But just don't tell her I said that.


End file.
